 |
| Children and Divorce Photo arashdeep |
Do it together
Prepare your
script
Give a clear
picture
Keep calm
Focus on the child
alone
Listen to what the
child has to say
Give Assurance
Where to say it
How to say it
More than one
child
When to tell your
child about divorce
Do not spring it
on her
Give a clear,
lucid reason for the divorce
Seek expert help
Divorce is not a new concept in modern
society and so your children are in all possibility quite familiar with the
issue. They probably have friends with divorced parents. But this does not make
them immune to the repercussions when it happens to their own Mum and Dad. And
you cannot take for granted that they will accept what's happening just because
it's rampant and all around.
All the more reason for you, as parents, to handle the matter very carefully and in a manner that will cause the least amount of damage. Once you have taken the final decision to separate, it's time to inform your kids about it. It is important to make sure your kids understand that the divorce or separation is between Mum and Dad and not between parents and kids. They need to understand perfectly that their status as son and daughter continues till the end of time. Here are a few tips on how best to handle informing your children about your decision to divorce.
 |
| Childrearingtips Photograph jdurham-morguefile.com |
Do it together
Informing your child about your divorce is
best done together. If your separation is amicable, this need not be painful. But
if your parting is not very pleasant, it would be ideal where your child is
concerned if you could pull your act together for one last time for the benefit
of your child. This is the one part of divorce proceedings that is not about the two of you; it is entirely about your child. Put aside personal hurts, pride, hatred, and anger to sit down and talk about your child. When you do this together, your child understands
- you both care about her despite your differences
- she is valuable and will not be abandoned
- she still has a Mum and Dad
Prepare your script
Before you sit your child down to inform her
of your divorce, you and your partner need to discuss in a sane manner and come
to a conclusion as to how to do this, what to say, and who will say what.
Rehearse if you must. Your script must address
- how best to let your children know about the divorce
- the changes that you believe will happen
- how to reassure your child that you will take all possible care to ensure he is taken care of as always
and anything else that may be relevant to your personal circumstances.
Give a clear picture
Give your child a clear picture of the
changes that will happen because of the divorce. To be able to do this, you
need to have a clear idea of the situation and how best to see it through. Kids
thrive on routine and a divorce can be one of the most unsettling things that
can happen in a child's life. You can make the best of a bad situation by
- having a plan
- showing confidence that it will work
- assuring them that it is not the end of the world
Kids take their cue
from you and so your confidence and optimism will rub off on them.
 |
| Childrearingtips Photograph Kahanaboy |
Keep calm
When you're talking to your child about your decision to divorce, do not let emotions take control and show
distress and anger. Neither should you be cold and distant. Do not fake
emotions that you have ceased feeling for each other; this will confuse the
child. Be courteous to each other throughout. Your child needs to understand
that the two of you are genuinely concerned about her and will do all that you
can to ensure her best interests. It becomes easier to handle this matter calmly if you talk to your child after
- you have reached a clear irrevocable decision regarding your divorce
- all your doubts have been laid to rest and you are at peace with your decision
- you truly believe this is the best option for all concerned
And then it follows naturally that you inform your children about your decision to separate. The worst thing you can do is drag your children along as you go through a wild roller coaster emotional ride as to divorce or not to divorce.
Focus on the child alone
This conversation about your divorce needs to be completely
child centred. Refrain from bringing up personal stuff, sarcastic expressions, snide
remarks, and arguments into it. Use positive language to build trust in the
child that he is not forsaken. Focus on the good such as visits, outings,
games, and other fun things you have planned for her. Above all, build
confidence in her that you both love her and will do all you can to ensure her
safety and happiness.
Listen to what the child has to say
When informed of divorce, kids usually go
silent, cry, say hurtful things, or show anger. Bear in mind that divorce is one of the chief causes of tantrum behaviour in children. Be prepared and respond with love.
Pay attention to your child's expression and body language. Encourage her to
express how she is feeling and tell you anything that may come up. Answer her
questions as honestly as you can in simple direct language. Avoid beating
around the bush or giving complicated explanations. Stay focused and don't let her rants start you off on one of your own.
Give Assurance
 |
| Childrearingtips on divorce Photograph audbliss |
Often it is the Dad who moves out of the
family home. Just as Mums, Dads are important for kids and their emotional growth. Assure the child that Dad is going to be visiting regularly. Give fixed dates such as weekends that the child can count on and make sure you keep your word. Help the child understand that the parent who is moving out is not disappearing for good. This parent can instill this belief in the child by spending quality time with her on a regular basis during the turbulent period that she is informed of the divorce.
Where to say it
Do not pick a public place such as the park
or the ice cream shop to break the news about your divorce. Your child may feel forced to control his emotions and
not respond appropriately to the bombshell that has just been lobbed in his
direction. It is important that they are given the space and the opportunity in
which to vent as they want and as much as they want. Choose a familiar, comfortable
setting such as your kitchen, family room, or your child's bedroom. A long car
ride might seem ideal, but it is important that you be face-to-face with your
child and not clutching at the steering while you tell her about getting
divorced. You should be in a position to physically comfort your child if need be.
How to say it
A single discussion may not be all that it
takes to let the matter of divorce sink in. On first hearing about it, the
child may feel a sense of unreality that this is not really happening. You may
need to deal with the issue in a series of talks over a period of time till the
matter has sunk in and the child has come to a full understanding. The child
may then respond with a barrage of questions. This is healthy and should be
encouraged.
You need to be patient and continue to
answer questions to the best of your ability. Sometimes the child may repeat
the same questions over and over again. This is his way of coming to terms with
the issue or hoping that the issue has gone away like a bad dream. Help him out by answering
patiently and sticking with the same answers. Consistency is very important in
helping him absorb reality. Say nothing that will give him false hope.
More than one child
If you have more than one child, you need
to communicate to them separately at first and then together as a unit. This is
important because they need to experience your attention and concern
individually and not as part of a group where you will not be able to look them
all in the eye at the same time. Besides, you need to use age appropriate
language to make sure they understand the reason and be confident of your
continued love and care.
When to tell your child about divorce
There never really is a best time to tell
your child that the world as she knows it is going to break apart; but there
are times that need to be avoided as much as possible. Just bear in mind that
the child will remember this moment even into adulthood. He is going to
remember what he was wearing, what he was munching on, the ticking of the clock,
the expression on your face, what the dog was doing, the blinding sunlight,
the pouring rain, and, so on. These memories will have repercussions for him.
All I can say is do not pick a time when he
is at peace and perfectly joyful or when he is clearly having a very bad day,
or is sick, or has a dental appointment the following day or is in the middle
of exams in school. As for the time of the day, make sure it is not late
evening and never dinner time and later. This will have the child tossing and
turning all night or having nightmares. The best time would be after breakfast
on a non-working day as this will give him the better part of the day or even a
weekend to come to terms with it.
Do not spring it on her
Understand that divorce is even more
traumatic for the child than it is for you. Your child probably has an idea
that things are not pleasant between the two of you. But this does not mean
that she is prepared for you to separate. Does she believe you have your differences
but it's only minor and you will work it out as usual? In this case she is
complacent and not duly worried. If you spring the issue of divorce on her, she
is going to be shocked. In this case you, the parents, need to sit her down and
explain to her that you are going through a very difficult period and are not
able to work things out as you usually do. You need to gauge accurately at what
stage of understanding your child is and then use age appropriate language and
concepts to explain the situation to her.
Give a clear, lucid reason for the divorce
If your child is old enough to understand
speech, you need to let him know in clear, unambiguous terms just what the situation
is. Do not use complex concepts such as infidelity, financial control, and
irreconcilable differences etc. to explain the situation. Instead, try to
explain how these problems are due to money, work, not spending enough time
together, or whatever else it may be. You have to avoid unpleasantness and use
appropriate simple language. What is of utmost importance is that your explanation
is not vague and the child gets a solid reason that he can process and
understand. This is to make sure that he does not feel guilty and believe that the
entire drama is his fault.
 |
| Childrearingtips Photograph Courtesy Karpati-morguefile.com |
Seek professional help
If you are seeing a therapist, he or she might
be able to guide you on how best to handle this issue. Sometimes parents are
unable to come up with the right thing to say and might be extremely fearful of
hurting their child. They might also want very much to avoid or at least minimise the psychological effects of divorce on their children. A therapist might be able to help in these situations. Family
counselling sessions may prove helpful for all concerned when you have children involved in a divorce situation.
I hope these tips have been helpful. I'd really appreciate your comments and ideas on the topic of children and divorce. Your likes, shares, and tweets are always appreciated as it helps me spread the word. Thanks for reading this far!
You might also like to read
