How to tell your children about your divorce

Children and Divorce Photo arashdeep

Do it together

Prepare your script

Give a clear picture

Keep calm

Focus on the child alone

Listen to what the child has to say

Give Assurance

Where to say it

How to say it

More than one child

When to tell your child about divorce

Do not spring it on her

Give a clear, lucid reason for the divorce

Seek expert help

Divorce is not a new concept in modern society and so your children are in all possibility quite familiar with the issue. They probably have friends with divorced parents. But this does not make them immune to the repercussions when it happens to their own Mum and Dad. And you cannot take for granted that they will accept what's happening just because it's rampant and all around.

All the more reason for you, as parents, to handle the matter very carefully and in a manner that will cause the least amount of damage. Once you have taken the final decision to separate, it's time to inform your kids about it. It is important to make sure your kids understand that the divorce or separation is between Mum and Dad and not between parents and kids. They need to understand perfectly that their status as son and daughter continues till the end of time. Here are a few tips on how best to handle informing your children about your decision to divorce.

Childrearingtips Photograph jdurham-morguefile.com

Do it together

Informing your child about your divorce is best done together. If your separation is amicable, this need not be painful. But if your parting is not very pleasant, it would be ideal where your child is concerned if you could pull your act together for one last time for the benefit of your child. This is the one part of divorce proceedings that is not about the two of you; it is entirely about your child. Put aside personal hurts, pride, hatred, and anger to sit down and talk about your child. When you do this together, your child understands

you both care about her despite your differences
she is valuable and will not be abandoned
she still has a Mum and Dad

Prepare your script

Before you sit your child down to inform her of your divorce, you and your partner need to discuss in a sane manner and come to a conclusion as to how to do this, what to say, and who will say what. Rehearse if you must. Your script must address

how best to let your children know about the divorce
the changes that you believe will happen
how to reassure your child that you will take all possible care to ensure he is taken care of as always

and anything else that may be relevant to your personal circumstances.

Give a clear picture

Give your child a clear picture of the changes that will happen because of the divorce. To be able to do this, you need to have a clear idea of the situation and how best to see it through. Kids thrive on routine and a divorce can be one of the most unsettling things that can happen in a child's life. You can make the best of a bad situation by

having a plan
showing confidence that it will work
assuring them that it is not the end of the world

Kids take their cue from you and so your confidence and optimism will rub off on them.

Childrearingtips Photograph Kahanaboy

Keep calm

When you're talking to your child about your decision to divorce, do not let emotions take control and show distress and anger. Neither should you be cold and distant. Do not fake emotions that you have ceased feeling for each other; this will confuse the child. Be courteous to each other throughout. Your child needs to understand that the two of you are genuinely concerned about her and will do all that you can to ensure her best interests. It becomes easier to handle this matter calmly if you talk to your child after

you have reached a clear irrevocable decision regarding your divorce
all your doubts have been laid to rest and you are at peace with your decision
you truly believe this is the best option for all concerned

And then it follows naturally that you inform your children about your decision to separate. The worst thing you can do is drag your children along as you go through a wild roller coaster emotional ride as to divorce or not to divorce.

Focus on the child alone

This conversation about your divorce needs to be completely child centred. Refrain from bringing up personal stuff, sarcastic expressions, snide remarks, and arguments into it. Use positive language to build trust in the child that he is not forsaken. Focus on the good such as visits, outings, games, and other fun things you have planned for her. Above all, build confidence in her that you both love her and will do all you can to ensure her safety and happiness.

Listen to what the child has to say

When informed of divorce, kids usually go silent, cry, say hurtful things, or show anger. Bear in mind that divorce is one of the chief causes of tantrum behaviour in children. Be prepared and respond with love. Pay attention to your child's expression and body language. Encourage her to express how she is feeling and tell you anything that may come up. Answer her questions as honestly as you can in simple direct language. Avoid beating around the bush or giving complicated explanations. Stay focused and don't let her rants start you off on one of your own.

Give Assurance

Childrearingtips on divorce Photograph audbliss

Often it is the Dad who moves out of the family home. Just as Mums, Dads are important for kids and their emotional growth. Assure the child that Dad is going to be visiting regularly. Give fixed dates such as weekends that the child can count on and make sure you keep your word. Help the child understand that the parent who is moving out is not disappearing for good. This parent can instill this belief in the child by spending quality time with her on a regular basis during the turbulent period that she is informed of the divorce.

Where to say it

Do not pick a public place such as the park or the ice cream shop to break the news about your divorce. Your child may feel forced to control his emotions and not respond appropriately to the bombshell that has just been lobbed in his direction. It is important that they are given the space and the opportunity in which to vent as they want and as much as they want. Choose a familiar, comfortable setting such as your kitchen, family room, or your child's bedroom. A long car ride might seem ideal, but it is important that you be face-to-face with your child and not clutching at the steering while you tell her about getting divorced. You should be in a position to physically comfort your child if need be.

How to say it

A single discussion may not be all that it takes to let the matter of divorce sink in. On first hearing about it, the child may feel a sense of unreality that this is not really happening. You may need to deal with the issue in a series of talks over a period of time till the matter has sunk in and the child has come to a full understanding. The child may then respond with a barrage of questions. This is healthy and should be encouraged.

You need to be patient and continue to answer questions to the best of your ability. Sometimes the child may repeat the same questions over and over again. This is his way of coming to terms with the issue or hoping that the issue has gone away like a bad dream. Help him out by answering patiently and sticking with the same answers. Consistency is very important in helping him absorb reality. Say nothing that will give him false hope.

More than one child

If you have more than one child, you need to communicate to them separately at first and then together as a unit. This is important because they need to experience your attention and concern individually and not as part of a group where you will not be able to look them all in the eye at the same time. Besides, you need to use age appropriate language to make sure they understand the reason and be confident of your continued love and care.

When to tell your child about divorce

There never really is a best time to tell your child that the world as she knows it is going to break apart; but there are times that need to be avoided as much as possible. Just bear in mind that the child will remember this moment even into adulthood. He is going to remember what he was wearing, what he was munching on, the ticking of the clock, the expression on your face, what the dog was doing, the blinding sunlight, the pouring rain, and, so on. These memories will have repercussions for him.

All I can say is do not pick a time when he is at peace and perfectly joyful or when he is clearly having a very bad day, or is sick, or has a dental appointment the following day or is in the middle of exams in school. As for the time of the day, make sure it is not late evening and never dinner time and later. This will have the child tossing and turning all night or having nightmares. The best time would be after breakfast on a non-working day as this will give him the better part of the day or even a weekend to come to terms with it.

Do not spring it on her

Understand that divorce is even more traumatic for the child than it is for you. Your child probably has an idea that things are not pleasant between the two of you. But this does not mean that she is prepared for you to separate. Does she believe you have your differences but it's only minor and you will work it out as usual? In this case she is complacent and not duly worried. If you spring the issue of divorce on her, she is going to be shocked. In this case you, the parents, need to sit her down and explain to her that you are going through a very difficult period and are not able to work things out as you usually do. You need to gauge accurately at what stage of understanding your child is and then use age appropriate language and concepts to explain the situation to her.

Give a clear, lucid reason for the divorce

If your child is old enough to understand speech, you need to let him know in clear, unambiguous terms just what the situation is. Do not use complex concepts such as infidelity, financial control, and irreconcilable differences etc. to explain the situation. Instead, try to explain how these problems are due to money, work, not spending enough time together, or whatever else it may be. You have to avoid unpleasantness and use appropriate simple language. What is of utmost importance is that your explanation is not vague and the child gets a solid reason that he can process and understand. This is to make sure that he does not feel guilty and believe that the entire drama is his fault.

Childrearingtips Photograph Courtesy Karpati-morguefile.com

Seek professional help

If you are seeing a therapist, he or she might be able to guide you on how best to handle this issue. Sometimes parents are unable to come up with the right thing to say and might be extremely fearful of hurting their child. They might also want very much to avoid or at least minimise the psychological effects of divorce on their children. A therapist might be able to help in these situations. Family counselling sessions may prove helpful for all concerned when you have children involved in a divorce situation.

I hope these tips have been helpful. I'd really appreciate your comments and ideas on the topic of children and divorce. Your likes, shares, and tweets are always appreciated as it helps me spread the word. Thanks for reading this far!

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Friday, September 21